Having it all figured out, or not
How does it feel looking down?
Soundtrack of this article
Garden State - Jeremy Zucker (2025)
I imagined a younger version of myself today - that girl so repulsed by the idea of holding hands with a boy or someone calling me their girlfriend. I echo parts of her when I push love away in every form, without even realising it.
But then, a matured version of me comes through, takes the spotlight and says ‘actually no, we do want love. We just do not know how to accept it.’
I should listen to her more, she makes a good point.
I think often of the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012) ‘we accept the love we think we deserve.’ Hold on, is this something I have mentioned before?
I do not know how to combat this idea that I can never be loved. I do not know how to shake the overwhelming fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life.
It feels exhausting to talk about, it feels exhausting to live with. It feels exhausting to see everyone find their someone, girls I know from school getting new last names. It feels exhausting to fall asleep alone for the 8,339th night.*
*Yes, I did just Google how many days I have been alive. It made me a little emotional. If you would like to do your own calculation, click here.
I think of the love I want, and I realise I only want it for the good sides of me. For I have reached the point in my life where I realise I have flaws - sounds simple, but we do spend a lot of our adolescence and younger years believing we are inherently perfect and there could not possibly be a single thing wrong with us.
I realise I am hard to love, and that might be why I have spent many years of my life alone. I do not mean that in a self-pitying way - it is genuinely true. I can be stubborn, I can be argumentative, I can be indecisive.
But, on the other side of the coin, I can be patient. I can be giving, I can be careful, I can be attentive. I could be a good partner, or a good girlfriend. I could be the love of someone’s life, I could be everything their entire world is about.
Fuck.
Next chapter.
Something that has been heavily discussed in news outlets lately is the idea of women not being ‘fulfilled’ if they do not have children.
I know, right?
As a childless woman, at 22 years of age, where I see friends of mine or girls (I should say women, but they still feel like girls), having children and starting families, I feel a lot of things. Mainly confusion - why is life moving so fast? Why are we always in such a rush to move onto the next ‘stage’ of life?
You know, relationship > marriage > house > kids > retirement. Did I miss anything?
Oh yeah, enjoying yourself.
I feel like I am wasting my life sometimes. God, look at Aine, she has not ever been in a relationship and she has not left the country in over four years. What is she even doing with her life?
Trying to figure myself out. That is what I have been doing.
The part that the voices that may utter the above did not see is me living with an autoimmune disease, receiving an autism diagnosis, navigating job loss and gain, as well as personal progression as I try to figure out what the hell I want to do in the future, and battling chronic fatigue whilst my bed calls like a clingy ex.
One qualm I have never been able to sit right with though, is the lack of desire I have to start a family. I have never had a maternal instinct - I grew up playing with cars instead of dolls. I do not get excited at the thought of new-born babies - I would pick a dog over a child any day.
But, as women, apparently the maternal knowledge is baked into our biology; the want to be a mother is there whether we know it or not. Yet, it feels like I am missing the instruction manual for how to switch that part of my brain on.
I have PMOS (previously known as PCOS) which can affect fertility, and mean it is a lot more difficult for a woman to conceive. Living with PMOS is exhausting in itself, but it does lead to a lot of questions for me - even if the desire to have a baby cropped up for me one day, would I be able to do it?
Would I fail everyone around me? Would I fail myself?
To the point where I have convinced myself I will never want to be a mother, and any desire must be pushed away because it is false hope.
I echo parts of (my past self) when I push love away in every form, without even realising it.
But then, a matured version of me comes through, takes the spotlight and says ‘actually no, we do want love. We just do not know how to accept it.’
Remember when I said that? Yeah, me too.
It does not feel like a desire to have a baby, instead it feels like a desire to welcome things that feel impossible in my head.
I am trying to welcome more love into my life.
I got rejected from a promotional opportunity at work last week - something we do not do often is be honest about out downfalls; we feel like friends, though. It felt upsetting, and naturally I was disappointed, but I tried to look at it from a different angle.
Was this what I wanted, or just what I thought was expected of me?
Was it the next best thing for me, or did it just seem like the natural next step in my career?
As I took a step back, I realised how drained I feel after some days at work, and that is without management responsibilities or involvement with my senior team. Then, I tried to imagine my energy with those weights added.
My back broke thinking about it.
‘Everything happens for a reason’ is an annoying cliché, but it does happen to be true. Everything in this life is finite, and we do not have much time here; we are only human at the end of the day, and not every decision will be perfect.
But, through that imperfection, we learn what works and what does not.
Good stream of consciousness, if I do say so myself.
Fun fact, the picture in the social preview was taken just over two years ago. But I enjoyed how care-free I looked there.
Thank you for reading.
"but we do spend a lot of our adolescence and younger years believing we are inherently perfect and there could not possibly be a single thing wrong with us." - Interesting. I wonder, as I dive into my 1997 diary if I get this sort of self thinking.
"The part that the voices that may utter the above did not see is me living with an autoimmune disease, receiving an autism diagnosis, navigating job loss and gain, as well as personal progression as I try to figure out what the hell I want to do in the future, and battling chronic fatigue whilst my bed calls like a clingy ex." - And this is why I consider the words of others as words only and often an uneducated perspective. No one knows you better than you.
At this point.. I have the feeling of 'fuck off', to every reason or aspect that ever leads us to doubt who we are and what we want. Also, it's a complicated and conflicting existence. With all things human, our capacity to alter our minds and desires, from experience to experience is almost inevitable.
Thank you for sharing this.
“I think of the love I want, and I realise I only want it for the good sides of me” and this is why I get scared to love again!!! But gotta lean into the uncomfortable parts